The language of growth mindset

The tools we use to build the rooms we lead in

I have a confession.

My team and I keep a list of words we’ve retired. It’s a live document with categories, examples and a rationale for every entry. “Deadline” is on it, and so are “should”, “need”, “good job” and dozens more.

The list exists because so much of what we say arrives on autopilot as words spoken out of habit rather than chosen on purpose. Keeping them written down in front of us returns that choice to where it belongs.

Here’s what I mean.

Every word you say triggers a cocktail of neurotransmitters - dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins, cortisol - in you and in the listener. The words you reach for produce one version of that cocktail, while other words produce a different one.

That choice sits inside every sentence you speak, which brings me to the chocolatier.

Intention determines the tool

A chocolatier chooses their tool based on the intention. To combine flavours, a blender. To shape ganache, a mould. To hold a finish that shines, a temperer.

Language works the same way.

Our intention as leaders is to initiate lasting change in how people think, decide and show up. The tool for that intention is language, yet most of us picked this tool up the way we picked up our accents. We absorb our words early, use them daily and rarely examine them.

A chocolatier who grabs whatever is closest on the counter ruins the ganache, and in conversation, that's exactly what autopilot has us do.

Where the autopilot came from

Most of what we say is inherited. Social learning has embedded certain patterns of speech we learned early and now use without noticing. Military language is one of the clearest examples, with words like “deadlines”, “killing it”, “nailing it”, “smashing it”, “taking the fight to the market”. The vocabulary of war found its way into the vocabulary of work and, for some reason, it’s still there.

Every time we use it, we produce a chemistry the situation may or may not warrant.

Growth mindset language is language chosen on purpose, and it works because the brain adapts to whatever you feed it. Every repetition of an inherited pattern strengthens the pathway that carries it, while every deliberate choice lays down a new one. Choose often enough and the new pathway becomes the default.

That’s the rewire.

Old wiring to new wiring

In workshops, we call this pairing old wiring and new wiring. Old wiring is the language most of us learned by default, while new wiring is what we reach for on purpose, like the chocolatier reaching for the temperer instead of the whisk.

Here are six of the swaps my team and I use most:

• “But” 🡪 “and”

“But” erases whatever came before it. “I hear you, but…” translates to “ignore what came before”. “And” sets both positions side by side: “I hear you, and here’s what I’m seeing.” The relationship stays intact and both positions stand.

• “Should/need” 🡪 drop or reframe

Both carry pressure and scarcity. “You should do this” places an obligation on the listener, while “You need to hear this” decides on their behalf what they require. Choice-based framing changes the chemistry: “One option is…” or “What I’m noticing is…” Same information, different room.

• “Deadline” 🡪 “delivery date”, “goal post”, “event”

“Deadline” is a wartime word. “Delivery date” is a milestone, “goal post” is a target and “event” is a moment on a calendar. The information transfers perfectly well without the war imagery attached to it.

• “Good job” 🡪 name the observed behaviour

“Good job” registers as praise and then fades, because it hands the listener no behaviour to repeat. It is, after all, the same phrase we use for pets. Naming what you actually saw is what shapes performance. For example, “I admire your commitment and creativity in reaching these KPIs” tells the person what to do again.

• “Sorry for being late” 🡪 “thank you for waiting”

Apology puts the exchange in the negative, while acknowledgement turns the same moment into a compliment. The listener walks away feeling valued rather than inconvenienced.

• “Killed it” / “nailed it” / “smashed it” 🡪 “pulled it off”, “delivered it”, “brought it home”

We reach for these because they’re vivid and fast. They also carry a chemistry of aggression into moments that are built for celebration. The alternatives celebrate just as loudly, without asking your brain to treat work as combat.

The frustration is the point

Once you notice your own patterns, you’ll catch yourself using the old wiring constantly. It’s the phase many of the leaders we work with describe as the annoying one. They hear themselves say “need” or “should” three times in a meeting and want to walk out of the room.

That frustration is the linguistic update arriving in your neural pathways. You catch yourself because the brain has started to register the difference, and the irritation surfaces because the new wiring is being installed alongside the old. Neuroplasticity moves at the pace of your attention, and the more you notice, the faster that update happens.

Every craft works this way. A chocolatier’s first attempts at tempering rarely come out right. The chocolate blooms and the shine refuses to appear, and that’s precisely how they learn where the temperature sits. The frustration is the practice.

Case study: Us!

Which brings me back to my confession.

At We Are Do. Consulting, growth mindset language sits at the centre of how we work.

We sort the language we’ve retired into five categories: hedging, low-agency verbs, permission language, negative framing and generalisation. Each category names a specific chemistry we’ve chosen to stop producing.

A few examples of what sits on the list:

• Hedging is language that dilutes the position we’re taking, like “might”, “maybe” and “possibly”.
• Negative framing is language that frames the situation as a threat, like “problem”, “struggle” and “difficult”.
• Generalisation is language that avoids specificity, like “things”, “stuff” and “everyone”.

The list works because the team applies it in practice. Every article, proposal and email we send is checked against it, and in meetings, the team surfaces old wiring in real time, naming it out loud as it happens.

Over time, the list has become less about the words on it and more about the awareness it trains. Each of us now hears what a sentence is producing while we’re still saying it, and we adjust as we go.

This is the practice we bring into our client work. Whether we’re in the coaching room, running workshops or in strategic conversations with C-suite leaders, the language we use is the language we’ve chosen. The leaders we work with begin to hear their own language differently as a result.

Start with one word

Pick one word this week you catch yourself using on autopilot, one that carries a chemistry you’d rather leave behind. Notice it, swap it and watch what changes in the room.

One word is a small beginning, and that’s why it works. Each deliberate choice lays down wiring for the next one to build on, and the people around you will feel the difference long before you tell them what changed.

About the author

I’m Dorothée Oung, Executive Coach and Neuroleadership Expert. I work with senior leaders and executive teams to apply neuroscience in practical, results-driven ways. My goal is to guide emerging and established Neuroleaders through deliberate, evidence-based practices that elevate how they lead, think and show up in the world.

The language of growth mindset